It was supposed to be about skis. Then, about grit itself. Then, I thought it will a good idea to write about the stages one may have once grieving (yes, what we’re going through globally now can be seen as this exactly). Then, again, I went back to the idea of skis…Ideas are plenty in my head, too plenty at times to be honest. It becomes even more complicated when I try to see them in perspective, in context. Of my future readers, of my current situation, of my family’s needs that seem to be sooo overwhelming these days.
And then, it figured… the ever present word that I seem to dream about now is… WEBINAR. Webinar as an answer to all the work problems. A webinar to let our clients stay in touch and not forget… a webinar to keep myself busy, a webinar to do a webinar… after all, let’s move on with the digital.
In the times of insecurity pushed to the limits, a webinar became an answer to everything. Yes, we can do Judo classes for your son online. Yes, you can learn totally new things just by looking at our instructors… Yes, of course there were things you’ve always wanted to acquire! Now’s the time!
Or, maybe not!?” Whatever you were doing – just carry on” is the other option. Like the English during World War II – just keep calm and carry on. Routine will help – stick to your routine. Don’t let others destroy it. But remember, be kind – to yourself, to them, help out, support, find time. You’ve plenty of time now, right?
So, which free webinar do you want? The one to help you stay sane? Or the one to support your online work? Or maybe yoga? Or, none as you should helping your kids out instead with their homeschooling…
I lost it. Last week I did. It was Thursday afternoon. I was so proud – we got ready the week before. We planned it all. Got the shopping in time for seven days of feeding five people. We rescheduled, prepared for kids’ classes to be taken online, meetings and tutorials too. All was there. And indeed it was a success! That first week went smoothly, with no bigger issues, no major frustration or quarrels over lost connection during social science classes or unstable skype conversation with one of the Clients…We did it I thought! We got a grip, we know how to handle this thing called the lockdown.
My ordered new skiing set came. I decided to go big there….Atomic Redster s9, Atomic Redster club sport 130 boots… Again, I thought – yes, my anchor or metaphor if you prefer of endurance and grit is here, nothing can go wrong now! It was a bit of a hustle though, the primary point of collection of the parcel was closed, the DPD courier did a lot to help me out. I was even more grateful – „woow, people are so nice, so graceful in this huge mess.
But still, I lost it. My poise I mean. Out of the blue, as if on some idle Tuesday afternoon. With no warning. I am currently working on a grit program, reading about it, doing my research, getting to know growth mindset even better. Still, didn’t protect me from the blues. That’s what I was thinking that Thursday afternoon already spiraling into the depths of doubt. Self-doubt mostly.
And then, Friday came. We had a meeting scheduled with my dear friend to discuss… a webinar. What else. The plan is to come up with something that allows us both to share with you the knowledge and expertise we both have – partly overlapping and partly not at all. These were one of the most demanding two hours that previous week. I believe in this project with all my heart! But that time, my heart was filled with fear. Fear I haven’t addressed being too busy planning, executing, and bragging about it.
The webinar became a symbol – a symbol of my fears for my work. We all share that I suppose. Will I have any work? Will we be able to hold certain trainings online? OR will webinars – literally seminars online take over? How will such webinars change the training market? How to restructure my coaching sessions when done online? Will I have any? I’m sure you know such lists can go on and on – we all have them at times.
And then, the webinar became a symbol of not doing enough. Maybe I should write more? Maybe I should be more active, maybe… My fear always drags me to the perfectionist in me. I hate it. The perfect Ewa is a lethal weapon. Do you know this state when a small thing triggers a huge reaction? It happens when certain feelings were held hidden for too long, consciously or subconsciously.
Well, my webinar meeting became a trigger. The mess on the weekend was…well, messy. Let’s leave it at that. Those honest with themselves, know how it looks like. The messy mess of unexpected but needed burst of feelings usually is nothing even close to pleasant. But here comes the growth mindset and grit again. I learnt the hard way that grit and your mindset will never be that visible in the times of calm and quiet. It’s the moments during AND when coming back to life after a fight, breakdown, panic attack, you name it, that the mindset you have will or will not support you in regaining the balance with lessons learnt. This part is crucial to me – with lessons learnt! Not just „to forget” but to grow, still, even in the hardest moments. Or maybe especially then!
Is that a new part of life for me? No, not at all. But what is new and a lesson learnt to me here is the fact that learning means repeating, reminding, and redoing the whole thing again…sounds ridiculous? Possibly. Sounds obvious? Probably even more. But apparently in my case, I haven’t learnt that lesson yet. The overwhelming presence of COVID-19 made a difference.
So, my new mantra is…”I’m an ongoing process…”
Michal, thank you – wouldn’t have done it without you.
Annie, I am sure we will celebrate your wedding when the time is right!
To all of you, stay home, stay safe! Have a webinar. Or not!
IT IS ALWAYS UP TO YOU!read more
Some of us run for health, some for status, to show off, to stay fit. Some, again, to escape, have some time for oneself, become a part of something bigger, a part of a group.
In my case, well, to be honest it was a mix I guess. I was fascinated with the amount of people who liked it. I wanted to check for myself.
So I did. I remember my first run, in Poznan, close to my dad’s home. Then, another one, with a bit less frustration… And suddenly, I was running. Running away. That was my way to get out. Primarily out of my own head. The more I was running away, the better I got at it. Till the moment after my first 10k RunWarsaw, I couldn’t move. The muscles – naturally, I didn’t mind that pain. But my knee was the problem – I broke it skiing a decade earlier. It took a while to get better, a lot of effort, not just mine. After a year I went back to skiing. Yes, it hurt a bit sometimes, but hey, wasn’t that normal when you’re carrying not only your own body but also some additional 11k in the shape of a baby?
So, going back to running – here I am, running indeed. Running away or running for the time just for myself, for any break from the spinning thoughts. My getaway, suddenly taken away with the knee that wasn’t working. With the help of my great friend, I ended up in a sports clinic for tests, it turned out that the ligament, ACL, is in fact torn. So now, instead of running I had time to get ready for the op. Another beautiful runaway… Then, getting better after. I did it religiously, day by day. After three months I was back on my feet. Slowly coming back to my sports life, I took to swimming too. Swimming away….well, why not.
A year later, my first half-marathon, in Poznań. I went so well (no, not time-wise, satisfaction-wise) that I didn’t stop…I was sooooo good at this running… I spend whole summer training regularly – stunning surprise to me as I have always had this belief about myself that I am simply unable to be regular at anything. So, why not go faster, bigger, more engaged… I was preparing for my first survival race followed by a second half-marathon that year. Any sane and smart runner will tell you it was far from clever… I know that now, but back then, it didn’t matter. I felt so safe, so far, so… not in my life.
While training on he beach, something hurt in my hip, a bit, just slightly, unnoticeably… Like quiet cry „Ewa, maybe not?”. Did I listen? Well, you know the answer, right?
The survival went great, I had fun, I enjoyed the company of great people, I hurt my hip to the point I couldn’t walk to the car. But surely, I could get on the plane three days later to fly to Cheltenham for yet another run. And to meet my beloved family. Almost anyone has this favourite family member. This aunt, grandpa, cousin… whoever – the one that shows you a different kind of the world, helps to understand what’s going on, tell the family secrets…Well, my family in England has been the One for me. Their place is my safe place. What a combination, running and Cheltenham! A combo. For what? Who cared…
I broke it. The 13.1 miles took almost three hours. I walked, cried, got angry. I was limping already at the start line. I remember strangers talking to me at the finish line „we saw in town, you were suffering, are you ok?”
The VIP flight home was unforgettable. The pain also. The mess around figuring out what exactly is wrong with my hip too. Altogether it took over twelve months. Hours of physio, diet (I hate diets! I see them as a limitation only unfortunately – still an area to address ;D), four MRIs as no other imaging deciphered the fracture… it was well-hidden. Right in the core of the bone. As if you stuck a tiny needle in it – excruciating pain with no visible cause.
Dr. Duckworth says grit is more important than talent. That having a mission, life philosophy, a greater cause that organise your actions is of great significance. In her book, „Grit. The power of Passion and Perseverance” she also describes what she found as necessary to work on your grit. To me, the most moving part was about acceptance though. The readiness to do boring, repetitive, simple tasks seems to be the core here. The ability to see your actions in a longer time perspective combined with the willingness to sacrifice remains present throughout the whole book.
The willingness. To sacrifice. Not the kind of sacrifice that makes a martyr. None of the stories quoted by Angela are of sorrow, they are all about the gritty people who are able to accept and believe in the growth that comes with time. There is a lot about effort and perseverance.
Am I a gritty person? I thought I wasn’t. Then, maybe I am.
I am certainly gritty when it comes to running.
Gritty at not reading the signs I fear to read. Gritty at pretending.
At least I was.
I lost my escape. I cannot run now more than 5k, my hip and, knee for that matter, are in the best condition possible but my urgent need to run away made it impossible for the joints to heal fully.
I lost my escape. But most probably gained something far more monumental. My self -awareness.
Damn, it’s been a hard lesson and an even harder path to follow.
But these days, I dare – I have learnt how. I daresay I do not want to run anymore. I want to live my life, be in my life, grittily fight for the growth and truth. Big words, I realise that painfully well. This is where I begin as putting them into aims and action is yet another story…
#lifeexperience #experiencelife #grit #growthmindset #selfawarenessread more
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